All for the Game: A Thorough Rant, er, I Mean, Review

I won't be like them. I won't let you let me be.

I don't know what possessed me that I did not immediately belch out all my heaving emotions about AFTG here on the blog?

I guess, if you follow me on Instagram, you can still see me obsessing over it pretty much everyday. Sometimes, it just gets too much even.

It reminds me of that line from A Thousand Flamingos (which I haven't read but only saw here and there): "Sometimes I think, I need a spare heart to feel all the things I feel." That is how it is for me, pardon my histrionic phrases - One heart is too paltry an amount to squish all these feelings inside and give them the space they need to be and stay.

How would I even stuff all my thoughts and feelings for the Foxes into a few words?

This world is not for everyone, I agree. Which is probably why I feel like I am cocooned inside an elite club, us not superior exactly with our now-vast, mud-caked knowledge of this tattered world, but definitely inflated with a wisdom and warmth that are comforting like a woollen blanket against a snowy night.

This comes with a lot of trigger warnings, like rape, abuse, torture, violence, drug use. And yet, whenever I ache for soothing words or comfort on those often dark nights, I turn to this fandom, to this hotchpotch mosaic of truly messed-up characters and their equally messed-up world and find safety in it, can let my soul rest, breathe there, finally.

It's not the world that's cruel. It's the people in it.

It's a gory universe where these things are rampant and we shouldn't bat an eye but still do. It's about Neil who is on the run from his father for as long as he can remember. And signing with Coach Waymack to play Exy as a striker for the Palmetto State University doesn't quite fit the whole idea of being on the run to save himself. But Neil loves Exy, and against all better judgments, Neil does it, and now he is a Fox. Does that mean he can outrun his fate?

But that's not what this series is really about.

It's about family. Not necessarily the one we were born with, but the one we choose. This one. The people we trust to be part of our lives. The people we care about.

It's about broken families, and healing without the weight of your blood, and learning to accept and love yourself and the people around you.

I certainly won't make a "Like" and "Dislike" pile here, because the dislike pile would be pretty empty and wasted, and there's nothing I just liked, there's everything I completely LOVED.

1. Let me start by saying: I'm not a sports person. Like, AT ALL. And at first, I was really not invested in their play-by-plays and the detailed commentary of the games. BUT. Exy is as fictitious a game as Quidditch. And as fun too. Which is probably why I started liking it. And the author was meticulous in her description of the plays, as I said, which I'd found slightly unnecessary and tedious at first, but by the end of the first book, I knew the game so well I didn't even realize. I was screaming in my head and mouthing my grief soundlessly at the screen at their every loss and slight win. As for the last book, I was OVER THE MOON when they were on the winning streak. I felt like I was flying myself, with them on the court, in the stands, on the bench. It was so exhilarating to see them score, to read the RED in the scoreboard.

2. Coach Wymack. He only recruited players who he knew had a dark past, and wouldn't get second chances from everyone else. That is why he took them in. Isn't that so beautiful and inspiring? I adored the heck out of him and his gruff exterior but soft heart that knew how to heal his players without prying the dark truths out of them before they are ready, or how to be an understanding coach/father-figure when they need it.

It's about second chances, Neil. Second, third, fourth, whatever, as long as you get at least one more than what anyone else wanted to give you."

3. The Foxes

Yes, my love for the series can be pretty much attributed to them. I mean, they are what shook my heart and drilled into me from the start. Their fractured bonds, the clear-cut lines drawn between Andrew's lot and the Upperclassmen. Dan, Matt, Renee and their endeavors to reconcile their differences and how Andrew and Aaron parried off every advances until Neil came along. They all had their issues that would honestly strive to punch your lungs. But the best part is their whole dynamic. The team-ism. It is. just. so. overwhelming to see unfold??? My heart would burst out of my chest if I think too hard on the way they all banded together to keep Neil, to protect him without an inch of hesitation, how they gave their all to play it out against their opponents. How they all came from broken families or no families and found a messy home for themselves with one another. I WANT THAT FAMILY.

"Neil or Nathaniel or whoever," Nicky said. "He's ours, and we're not letting him go.

4. Neil and Andrew. As individuals and as pair. I honestly started this series bc I kept coming across these slides on Instagram on them and they *kind* of sounded like Pynch (Adam/Ronan)? At least their whole vibe was. So I had to read it.

And ohmygod, I wasn't disappointed. They are every inch worth of the obsession. Because NEIL. God. I mean, GOD. The trauma that boy faced would've carried anyone off the ledge, honestly, and I did feel like there are stitches on my chest that were pulling apart every time Neil went through the heinous things he was put through.

I'm a bad person trying very hard to be a good person.

He was soo sweet and laconic and THOUGHTFUL and just GOOD and as selfless as a teenage boy can be. Every damn thing he did for Andrew and the Foxes just had me almost sobbing with love and pain and warmth.

Hope was a dangerous, disquieting thing, but he thought perhaps he liked it.

And ANDREW? I don't even know where to start. To say he is psychotic would only be 70% false. Andrew is just...Andrew, and I can't believe I'm saying this but I won't have him any other way.

Yes, he is violent as heck, and he is possessive and overpossessive to the extreme extent who says things like "Stay away from my things" and means actual people, and I wouldn't have tolerated this kind of behavior from an actual real guy I know, but I don't know if this makes me a hypocrite to love him so much. You wish he were this one-dimensional, because it would make it easier to not love him, but he is not. His possessiveness also comes from his protectiveness and the urge to not lose the people he loves, the love he cannot express any other way. Again, I wouldn't have brooked this from any other guy, but with Andrew, you just understand. After all the disgusting, shitty, fucked-up things he went through, I don't blame him for adjusting his coping mechanism as he saw fit, be it with drugs, or apathy or whatever. His relationships with everyone - Aaron, his twin, Kevin, Nicky, Neil - were layered with so much more than his possessiveness.

I'll always have and be nothing.

With Neil, though. I constantly had a dance party in my head as Neil slowly broke through his defenses, as his "I hate you" gradually halted to a silence of acceptance of his feelings for Neil. He is also the guy who was thoughtful enough to bring garbage bags for Neil to let his wounds rest, thoughtful enough to give him arm bands to conceal his scars from the preying eyes, who gave Neil courage to stay and fight when nothing else would, who gave him something to hold on to, who IS SWEET YES BECAUSE NOBODY WOULD DO THESE THINGS IF THEY WEREN'T AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE. His and Neil's scenes were soooo ADORABLE and everything I ever wanted and not in scant amount but considerably scattered throughout the last book, I thought my heart would explode out of my rib cage and spill all these sappy, unbound emotions on the floor.

You are a pipe dream.

Anyway, this was pretty much a rant rather than a review, but you get the gist.